i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize