im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
