I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
