Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im six kinds of drunk right now
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
