i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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