I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
