the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
