i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
