it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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