my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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