she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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