it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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