I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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