hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
