All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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