I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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