I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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