why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
