we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize