Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
