Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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