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I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize