Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
