So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
