Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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