Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
