So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
