so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
