she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize