I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
