Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
