I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my shit smells like andre
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
