my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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