You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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