party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
