You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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