so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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