I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
