It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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