I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
