Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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