I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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