Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
