ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
