she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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