Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
