i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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