in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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