did you get engaged???
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize