The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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