hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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