can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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