He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
