your parents love me but you hate me
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
