I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
