what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
