Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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