my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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