you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
