If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
