your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
